How I Overcame The Guilt From Drug Use

guiltThe following is a review from a graduate of our Narconon Arrowhead program named Liberty. Though her addiction started at a young age, with the help and support of her family and her own hard work she overcame the problem and has fought a difficult battle and won. Here is her story:

Over 18 months ago the reflection in the mirror staring back at me was life-less, the once bright eyes were dull and swimming in a pool of darkness. And the shame and guilt I had from years of drug use, I kept hidden under a mask of anger and at times rage. I was beat down and did not care about myself any longer. I would wake up each morning saying to myself this is going to be the last day I use drugs and every night I would lay down praying I had the strength to sustain the demon that I knew would be scratching to do its bidding once it had risen from the darkness once again. Addiction is powerful, it controls you, manipulates you and drives you to do things that in your right state of mind you know is immoral and unethical. But that’s the demon as an addict you fight daily.

I didn’t grow up in a big city or run the streets as a kid growing up. No, I grew up in the country on a farm and ranch and I know what hard work is about. My parents instilled morals and values and taught me right from wrong. They were loving, hard-working, middle class parents who gave me a good life. I graduated high school going on to college and I raised a family with four wonderful children in Woodward, Ok.

In my journey to kicking my drug addiction I found I have come full circle. l worked in the community helping families who needed some form of assistance to becoming the one in need of help to now helping others fight and overcome this powerful addiction through treatment.

The Irony in My Story

That’s the irony in my story. I was the helper the one that others turned to in a time of need and not just in my job, but in my family as well. I kept my family stable and going, I was the glue so to speak. I was at my children’s activities and I was accountable and a dependable mother and wife.

My addiction to drugs started 10 years ago when I had several health issues arise that required me to have surgeries. During this time in my life, I found that not only did the drugs take away the physical pain but It made me feel better in an emotional state as well. I started abusing my pain medication to feel emotionally better and that is where my drug addiction began and the demon was summoned. Four years ago I lost all control over my life and my drug addiction became relentless and my life was unmanageable. I lost my children, my true friends and self-respect. However my family was always there for me and never gave up on me. I know they were sad, frustrated, and angry with me and just at a loss on what to do. I know they didn’t understand why I just could not stop and would ask me that question more than once (of course after I was using). I am so grateful my family does not have any kind or reality on addiction from their own demons and why they do not understand the one question of why I could not stop that demon from rearing its ugly head each and every day. As I have stated prior in this story you have no control over the craving it reaches up and drives you to do the most insane, irrational and self-destructive acts possible. Addiction is relentless, self-serving and cold. So do I want my family to know that hunger, Absolutely Not!! I will take the why can you not stop questions any day of the week over the reality of them having any true knowledge and understanding of them being able to answer that question based on anything other than an idea.

My family watched my steady decline into hell over the last few years of my addiction, but always standing close by in case I fell into the blazing pit of hell at rapid rate. Of course I was not seeing any of this, oblivious to the chaos my life had become. My family wanted me to get help, but I had to admit I needed help first. That was one of my biggest hurdles was admitting that I had a drug problem, because to say that out loud meant the reflection staring back at me in the mirror was that lifeless, cold, worthless, beat down and angry woman who just didn’t care anymore. However at the end of my downward spiral I realized at some point I hit bottom, because I did admit that I had a drug problem. And once again my family was right there by my side and they immediately got on the phone and contacted a treatment facility. That is a day I will never forget, for I was reborn that day. I had a new beginning at life, I just didn’t know it yet.

My Family Helped Me Find Treatment

My family called a treatment facility here in Oklahoma, Narconon Arrowhead. I spent the next four months of my life there doing inpatient treatment. Now it wasn’t a walk in the park I had to ride into that pit of hell sober and fight all those demons that wanted to drag me back down and suck me under. I had days that were rocky at best. I had a temper coupled with kicking a drug habit that would send me off the rector scale at times. However the staff at Narconon Arrowhead are truly amazing and they were able to get me through those tough days. I had some really positive changes in myself during my program and was able to have some great days during this process as well. And at the end of my program I came out of the pit of hell ridding the lighting and realizing that I was not worthless nor a drug addict any longer. I had my self-respect back and my eyes were bright again. I had a will to live and a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life. I had a chance to pay forward what this program gave to me, my life and I reached for that opportunity with both hands willingly.

I chose to stay and work at Narconon Arrowhead after I graduated my program. I am currently working there and I am rewarded each day by helping another person overcome addiction and to see them accomplish their own strength and self-respect. My family has watched me through all of this and comments on how well I am doing and how happy they are to have the “old” me back and as always I have their full support. My children are back in my life and want to be around me now. I have physical custody of my youngest daughter, which shows that this program works and that I am doing truly amazing.

I want to thank all of my family for being there for me every step of the way and not giving up on me. I love you all very much family. I also want to say thank you to the Narconon Arrowhead program for giving me my life back and most of all free of the demons of addiction.


L.B. – Narconon Graduate

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